


no air

by damnveeddiggs



Series: hamilton 2.0 - one-shots [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, So much angst, Songfic, also, an ungodly amount of song references, first fic, i just really like "no air" by jordin sparks rn, i suck at using tags, just after philip dies and the hamiltons move uptown, set in hamiltime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 06:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnveeddiggs/pseuds/damnveeddiggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"how am i supposed to breathe with no air?"</p><p>six months after Philip dies in a duel with George Eaker, Theodosia goes to visit his grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no air

**Author's Note:**

> lads im so sorry this is my first fic 
> 
> i apologise for the shittiness in advance
> 
> love u !! kudos + comment !!

_Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?_

Theodosia walks into the cemetery slowly, shaking and partially exhausted with the effort it takes her to put one foot in front of the other. She scans the tombstones before she finally finds the one she is looking for. With a stifled sob, she makes her way over to the partially hidden gravestone and kneels down before it, shuffling the ivy and moss hanging over the inscription. She is ruining her silk gown, but she doesn't care.

PHILIP HAMILTON  
Son of  
Alexander & Eliza Hamilton

_If I should die before I wake_  
_It's 'cause you took my breath away_  
_Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh_

"My Philip." she cries, touching the stone softly. "My dearest, Philip. I-I'm so sorry for not coming sooner. It's just... all of the hecticness with your... funeral, and such... and the grieving— I couldn't find the strength. I'm so sorry."

She bites back another sob, and wipes her tearstained cheeks. "You'd love it." she tries to joke, resting back on her heels. "Everyone making such a fuss over you, I mean. You always were a sucker for attention. Remember Martha and Sally? God, you always told me about them, standing outside the college and waiting for you." 

Theodosia laughs, and smiles fondly at the memories rushing back to her. "Your family moved upstate the other day. When I bid them a safe journey, your ma told me that it was all going to be okay. Sooner or later. Your mother's one of the best advice givers— did you know that? In fact, she was the one who persuaded me to finally visit you..." she trails off, looking away guiltily.

_I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave_  
_My heart won't move, it's incomplete_  
_Is there a way I could make you understand?_

"But I'm here now. And God, Philip, I wish—" she pauses for a second, unsure. "You know what? I don't even know what I wish anymore. I wish you weren't such a fucking idiot. I wish you had even a small amount of common sense! Because then you would know that, much as you love your dad, no amount of legacy is worth—" she breaks off, sobbing. Theodosia is about to collapse, and puts her hand onto the damp and dirty earth to steady herself.

_But how_  
_Do you expect me, to live alone with just me?_  
_'Cause my world revolves around you_  
_It's so hard for me to breathe_

"You and your foolish pride. Did you ever think about what would happen if the duel didn't go your way? Your dad told you that he wouldn't shoot if he was a man of honour— did you ever stop to think that maybe he wasn't? Why do you think he rushed so fast into the fucking thing? For a joke? Philip, did you ever, for once, think about the repercussions? How it would affect everyone else? Your mother, her first born child is gone! Your father, his favourite, his prodigy! And me— the one I loved, my everything! You—" Theodosia weeps heavily, her heart broken by the boy lying in the earth in front of her. "You were supposed to blow us all away, Philip, but not like this. Not like this."

_Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?_  
_Can't live, can't breathe with no air_  
_That's how I feel whenever you ain't there_  
_There's no air, no air_  
_Got me out here in the water so deep_  
_Tell me how you gon' be without me?_  
_If you ain't here I just can't breathe_  
_There's no air, no air_

Theo wipes her eyes again and inhales deeply, trying to replace the lack of oxygen in her lungs. " _Amor vincit omnia_. Do you remember our Latin? When you knew that my father was away, so you would call for me. Mother always smiled. A Burr and a Hamilton, two ingredients for trouble. I still take Latin, you know. Daddy says it's good for a girl to be well educated. The subtext is for marriage, of course, but I don't want anybody but you, Phil. _Una in perpetuum_."

_I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew right off_  
_The ground and float to you_  
_There's no gravity to hold me down, for real_

"We were going to run away together. Our mothers were obviously in favour— they married for love so why shouldn't we, huh? And you were going to run Manhattan, and I'd be the loving wife at home, who wrote pamphlets to hinder your political enemies. ' _Theo_ ,' you would say, when I tried to dispute the fact that I'm not cut out for homemaking. You'd tell me about a woman's proper place, and I'd tell you exactly where you could place that propriety. God, I wish you were standing here right now. And you would smile, and that would be enough."

_But somehow I'm still alive inside_  
_You took my breath but I survived_  
_I don't know how but I don't even care_

"I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't."

_So how do you expect me to live alone with just me?_  
_'Cause my world revolves around you_  
_It's so hard for me to breathe_

"Father's engaged me to another man. His name is Joseph Alston, and he's the governor of South Carolina. I-I can't do it, Phil. I can't leave you. I'm in love with you, and no hoity-toity fancy Governor can spoil that." she laughs sadly, pulling her hair down. "Plus, in all honesty, I think Daddy's just trying to get me to forget about you. It'll never work— Oh, Phil— you always did like me with my hair down— said it gave me that certain _je ne sais quoi_."

_Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?_  
_Can't live, can't breathe with no air_  
_That's how I feel whenever you ain't there_  
_There's no air, no air_  
_Got me out here in the water so deep_  
_Tell me how you gon' be without me?_  
_If you ain't here I just can't breathe_  
_There's no air, no air_

"Philip, I love you so. My whole body aches every day and night when I wake up and realise you're not there any more. It's like when you died, you took a piece of me with you and I don't know how to get it back. Honestly, I don't even want it back because at least I know that a piece of me is safe with you for all eternity, thank God. You have me, Phil. And— And I've got you."

_Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?_  
_Can't live, can't breathe with no air_  
_That's how I feel whenever you ain't there_  
_There's no air, no air_  
_Got me out here in the water so deep_  
_Tell me how you gon' be without me?_  
_If you ain't here I just can't breathe_  
_There's no air, no air_

"My mother used to say that the worst thing you could do was say goodbye, because it's a definite thing. So this isn't goodbye, Phil. It's simply a see you later. Really. I love you." Theodosia rises, and brushes the leaves off her dress before pressing a kiss to the cold stone. The wind sends a short breeze through her hair, which, to anybody who listens closely enough, faintly sounds like a young boy—maybe only around 19 years old—whispering " _I love you too, Theo_ ".

_Got me here out in the water so deep_  
_Tell me how you gon' be without me?_  
_If you ain't here I just can't breathe_  
_There's no air, no air_

"Oh, I can't wait to see you again, Philip. It's only a matter of time."

_No air_

**Author's Note:**

> hope u liked it! =)


End file.
